One such situation is when the cause of death is suicide. Deaths of this nature are particularly painful for the survivors.

Often there is police involvement, or other drama that exposes the family to the questions and comments of others. Well meaning friends and family may ask questions and expect explanations.

Most of the time, this is in an effort to somehow console or explain the unexplainable. It is not helpful to grieving loved ones.

Privacy is so important in this situation, and sensitivity to the giving of appropriate sympathy gifts is imperative. Family probably are as confused as anyone, and are unable to explain the reasons why such a tragedy occurred.

Even though it may be public knowledge that the cause of death was self inflicted, it is in poor taste to comment on this unless the survivor opens the door.

Even then, use an empathetic statement such as “I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.” Don’t make assumptions about the details, as the family are no doubt feeling a great deal of survivor guilt.

Those closest to the deceased are often the last to know about the profound hopelessness that leads to a suicide. Be careful to make your card, gift or other expression of sympathy as generic as possible.

This is another situation where tact and diplomacy rule. Human nature causes us to be curious and wonder about what happened. The family may or may not be able to speak about the death, depending on the individual case. When survivors do share their feelings, take care not to fuel anger or resentment.

It's better to allow the grieving person to share whatever is going on with them at the time. Brief interventions like ”I am so sorry.” or ”This must be so hard for you.” are helpful in giving the griever permission to continue to share without fear of judgment or criticism.

In crises, people will often say things in anger or helplessness that they regret later. Your role is to listen and console, let the griever know that their feelings are safe with you.

If you cannot make that commitment, it is better that you defer to someone who can. They need to know that their potentially irrational statements will be taken in context and not come back to haunt them.

Disenfranchised Losses

There are cases when deep grief is the result of a secret relationship, betrayal of affection or illegal activities.

When the deceased led a self destructive lifestyle, or was the extramarital partner, appropriate sympathy gifts need to be chosen with added discretion.

Your knowledge of the relationship or lifestyle may not be shared by other grievers, so it is important to be discreet. The most appropriate sympathy gifts may be no gift at all.

A private gesture between friends when you have been included in the ‘secret’, will need to suffice. Again, be brief and generic, the griever will let you know if and when they are ready to disclose more information.

The important thing to remember here is that regardless of the nature of the death, grief is still difficult. Even in situations of estrangement, there is sadness with the end of chances to repair the relationship.

When it comes to appropriate sympathy gifts, the principle is less is more. The less said the better in general. A simple thoughtful gesture will always communicate sincere condolences.

Trying to add complexity can make things awkward for all involved.

Here is another circumstance where less is more and simplicity is the best policy. Children grieve differently from adults.

Maintenance of the routine of life, school and activity with friends is critical to children and adolescents’ ability to process grief.

Talking may not be the best way to help a child or teen grieve. It is a very vulnerable time and we need to protect their need to process in their own way.

In general, simplicity and thoughts sincerely centered on the griever will guide the choice of appropriate sympathy gifts.