Using Condolence Phrases

So many times I hear from grievers about the comments made to them during their times of grief. It seems that those who have experienced a loss of their own, or have had their own hearts broken, show the most sensitivity in the words they say.

Your Personal Experiences With Grief

This page is primarily for you who have not had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of inappropriate expressions meant to be sympathetic.

One very important thought to keep in mind is that saying nothing is more supportive than saying something that minimizes or dismisses the empty feeling, and often hopelessness that the griever is feeling.

If You Can't Say Something Appropriate....

Comments such as “at least you had _______________” or “ at least he didn’t suffer” (in cases of sudden or unexpected death), come across as a means to make the griever thankful or relieved with the loss.

Of course that is not the intent but nothing could be more hurtful. To assume that anything could decrease the overwhelming sadness someone feels when a loved one has died is insensitive at best, and at worst, insulting.

Our suggestions will assure that your words will clearly communicate your intent to comfort.

Gather Some Phrases to Use

These condolence phrases will fit the situation, regardless of the circumstances of the loss. They will help you avoid making a difficult time more awkward.

• “ I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know that I love you, and will miss ____ too.”



• “Your _______ was such a wonderful person, and he(she) will be missed by many. I hope you will be encouraged knowing that.”



• “ There are no words to ease your pain, but know that we love you and will be here as you walk through the darkness.”



• “This must be a very lonely time for you, and it saddens me to see you in such pain. I trust that the wonderful memories you have shared will bring moments of peace to you as you face this time of your life.”

Words of Condolence for Sympathy Cards

Sympathy card verses containing appropriate condolence phrases can be found on the shelves of the gift store, but can also be penned by a thoughtful and caring friend.

All it takes is a few moments to familiarize yourself with the concept of grief, and the experience of the griever so that you avoid the pitfalls mentioned above and express yourself with healing condolence phrases.

Points to Remember:

• Grief cannot be avoided, it may be suppressed, it may not be visible to others, but it is present and painful.



• Sensitive condolence phrases encourage healing from grief.



• You can’t go around it , under it or over it, you must go through it.



• The sooner you begin the journey through your pain, the sooner you will come to the other side.



• It helps to have someone who has been there along side you as you go.



• You need people around you who allow you to grieve at your own speed and in your own way.



• Unresolved grief makes future losses more difficult.

Sample Condolence Letter

Dear ______________,

I was (we were) so saddened to hear about __________________’s death. I am sure you must be in shock and I (we) can’t even imagine how you are coping.

I (we) wish there were some words we could write that would relieve or erase some of the pain you feel, but we know that is not possible.

All that we can say is that we love you dearly and want you to know that you can count on us.

You may call any time, we will bring meals, take the kids to school, walk the dogs, run errands, mow the lawns or anything that you might not feel like doing.

The next few weeks you will likely have many offers and visitors. We will be ready to pick up when the people stop calling, coming by and sending cards.

We will see you at the service (alternately, we aren’t able to make it to the service) and (but) will call periodically to check in and see if you need anything. Don’t feel that you have to entertain us or talk on the phone if you don’t want to.

In loving memory of your dear _____________

John and Deborah