Sympathy gift etiquette is an important consideration when someone you know is grieving.
Whether it be a death in the family, loss of a job, loss of a pet, estrangement from family, or other reasons for grieving, it can be difficult to figure out.
What to say, what to do and when to do it are all reasonable questions to be asked. There are preferred ways to approach most social situations, generally established guidelines to accomplish the task at hand with class and sensitivity.
Observing etiquette is easy to do keeping a few of these principles in mind.
Flower arrangements are a traditional sympathy gesture. It is usual to send flowers to a funeral, but perhaps more personal to send flowers to the home of the bereaved.
While cut flowers are short lived, they brighten the days of sadness, and a blossom can be pressed or otherwise preserved to be placed in a keepsake or memory box.
Potted plants are a creative way to send flowers that bring joy for years to come. It is best to choose something that grows readily in the area so as not to require too much care by the recipient.
Other plants, bulbs, garden sculptures or other outdoor items keep the person’s memory present as the seasons come and go.
Keepsake or memory boxes are especially appropriate as a sympathy gift, since they afford the ability to store cherished mementos, books and cards that can be enjoyed over and over in the years to come
It’s the thought that counts
What you spend on a flower arrangement or gift is much less important than the gift itself. Time is often one of the most welcome gifts, offers to run errands, pick up groceries, or fix a meal that can be frozen for later use are all good examples.
Other thoughts include walking dogs, mowing lawns, general cleanup or picking up mail.
Gifts must be non-intrusive, with no strings attached.
Please don’t give a gift with the expectation that the person display it in a certain way, or use it according to your ideas of propriety. If you give a weekend getaway and the recipient decides to send someone else, because they just can’t bring themselves to leave the house, don’t be offended!
Consideration of the griever’s potential sense of obligation.
Don’t give a pricey gift that could generate a need to ‘pay back’ on the part of the receiver. Sympathy gift etiquette dictates modesty in gifting. While it might be appropriate for children to gift a surviving parent with a memorial bench for the back yard, the same gift would be totally inappropriate for a person of modest means who might be financially unable to reciprocate.
Privacy, privacy, privacy. . . . .
Make yourself available but don’t be pushy. Proper sympathy gift etiquette would suggest sending a message or calling, but realize that you are not the only one that can provide support to the griever. Let them choose who they lean on, and don’t take it personally if you are not the one . It’s especially important not to ask a lot of questions. The griever will share with you what they feel comfortable sharing.
Timing
There is no bad time to remember a deceased loved one. Be assured, just because three or four years have passed, the surviving loved ones will still be comforted by a remembrance of the deceased’s birthday, anniversary of funeral, or any special holiday. Holidays inevitably trigger memories of lost loved ones
Sympathy gift etiquette allows for remembering the survivors in ways that will be appreciated and bring comfort long after the grief event. They do not forget their lost loved ones and will be grateful that you have not
forgotten either.
You can send a gift whether or not there is a service. Absence of a funeral or memorial service does not mean absence of grief. Some people ask their families not to have services, for any number of reasons. You can still send flowers to the home, or drop by a gift. Just don’t expect to be invited in.
If you are, make your visit brief, and observe the privacy of sympathy gift etiquette as described above. Leave your phone number or ask if you can call later to see if they need anything.
About Charitable Contribution Requests
It is fine to make a charitable donation as well as send a card or modest flower arrangement. You can attach a note to your floral gift mentioning your charitable contribution. However, most charities will send a notification of your gift. You can also contribute your time and energy to fundraiser events whose causes were important to the deceased.
What should I expect after I have sent a gift or floral arrangement?
In the event that you do receive an acknowledgment of your remembrance, it may take some time. Many people are just too distressed to jot thank you notes to recognize your gesture.
Restructuring without a person who was a special part of your life requires an incredible amount of emotional energy. Often it leaves little time for reviewing all of the cards, emails, calls and remembrances you have received.
Immediate responses to grief are focused on survival, meeting the family’s needs for food, rest, keeping on top of ongoing bills and child care. If those left behind are employed, decisions have to be made for return to work.
How does the survivor or grieving person find alternative ways to get things done that were done by the person who is no longer there? Attention to sympathy gift etiquette makes your gestures an effective acknowledgment of support for your grieving friends who are struggling to make sense out of the chaos in their lives.
Simply know that the caring, non intrusive support you provide is welcomed and appreciated, whether or not you ever receive acknowledgement. Recipients want to express their gratitude but sometimes just cannot.
Hopefully these sympathy gift etiquette tips will help you to feel comfortable and confident with your own expressions of sympathy.
