Disenfranchised Grief, Bereavement and Loss

Disenfranchised grief occurs when the impact of the loss is greater than the available coping skills.

• trouble with sleep


• mood swings


• sadness


• crying


• irritability, short temper


• problems concentrating, memory problems


• problems thinking clearly and making decisions


• changes in appetite


• physical symptoms

The griever needs to know how to tell the difference between normal grief and clinical depression.

Healthy coping with the emotions of grief, keeps us from developing a more serious condition. Comfort, from supportive friends, aids us in dealing effectively with the shock of loss.

While the journey of grief is unique to each person, there are some losses we call disenfranchised grief experiences. Generally, it takes several months, some say years, to recover from an important loss.

Many factors can predict disenfranchised grief, such as death by suicide, death of a partner in a secret affair, death from drug or alcohol abuse, to name a few.

The duration and intensity of your emotions also depend on several factors. Here are some of them:

• the closeness of the connection you had. If this was a death, was it a close friend or a distant cousin?



• the length of time you had known the person, or the time spent at a particular job, or position



• how much you leaned on or depended upon the person, job, or pet



• the presence of other people to support you, or to help meet some of the needs the deceased met in your life



• your personal coping skills and inner resources, faith and belief system



• whether or not you have faced a loss before, and how well you managed then



• the secondary losses associated, for instance, a job loss or divorce often means the loss of health insurance



• the circumstances of the death, for instance a homicide or suicide will usually result in a complicated grief experience



• your cultural background and social surroundings and circumstances

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross there are five stages of grieving. Remember, though, that her work was primarily with people anticipating their own death.

These were folks who knew their conditions were terminal. Of course, some of you may be facing your own death, but most of us experience a lot of losses before our own death becomes an issue.

Dr. Kubler-Ross described the following five stages of grief:

• Denial: Denial is a typical response to any loss. We don't usually want to die. We don't want to acknowledge that we have seen a loved one for the last time on this earth.

  We can't quite believe it when our employer suddenly lays off half of the work force, or our pet gets hit by a car and dies.

  Denial is a part of any grief and lasts for a few days to weeks, then comes and goes over time, until it gradually fades away completely.

  An example of the most intense denial might be the time between a death and the funeral service.

  Later, off and on we find ourselves talking to the loved one or being caught off guard finding peppermints in a shirt pocket.

  The pain gets less as life goes on and the times of sadness become shorter and further apart.

  When the death has shame or guilt attached, or when it is the result of a crime, disenfranchised grief results. Often grief is delayed by the legal process, or the inability to grieve openly.




• Anger: Anger usually comes from feelings of helplessness. So it will apply in either when you are facing death yourself, or after the loss of someone or something else.

  When we lose control of our circumstances, and are vulnerable, anger is a defense against getting hurt.




• Bargaining This really only applies before a loss has occurred. Once the death or loss has happened, bargaining usually isn't part of the process.



• Depression While the normal symptoms of grief can look a lot like clinical depression, it is the strength of the symptoms, and the length of time the symptoms last. Disenfranchised grief is more likely to result in clinical depression.



• Acceptance Acceptance is a part of all loss, whether it is upcoming or has already happened. It is really just getting used to the idea that something has happened or is going to happen for sure, no matter what we do.

We invite you to join our Comfort Circle and receive our free newsletter "Comfort Lines".

Other researchers disagree with the 'stages' thinking. Complicated or disenfranchised grief is defined in different ways. The response usually lasts longer and is more disabling than 'normal'.

The normal responses of grief come and go. These responses do not necessarily follow a pattern, and have no specific time frames.

Others focus on the 'work' of grief. Individual tasks are explored and the ever changing pathway of grief is emphasized.

My experience bears out the idea that there is no one right way to grieve. Sometimes disenfranchised grief can be redirected with a healthy attitude toward loss.

Grief education and preparation are tools which help to normalize the death and loss experience. I was totally unprepared for my grief as a sixteen year old when my father died.

When our little Chandra died, some forty years later, my grief experience as a grandmother was much different.

Many factors influence how we respond to a specific loss. In both situations, I was fortunate to have a lot of support from family and friends.

Disenfranchised grief is more likely if social, financial or spiritual support is lacking. This happens in the event of a hidden relationship, a suicide, or an injustice like homicide.

There are many resources available, most are a little difficult to get through when your concentration is at a premium!

A simple 28-page handbook, called Growing Beyond Your Loss, simplifies the process, making it do-able and clear. Color graphics and plain language are easy to understand and apply when you are at your wit's end. This is true regardless of the type of loss.

Check my little book out before you have a loss to deal with. Or when you need a plain road map for your personal grief journey. It's a great help to sort out the complications of disenfranchised grief.

Order your copy now: