Five Stages of Grief:The Kubler-Ross ModelThe five stages of grief, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross M.D. are: • Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance This is also known as the Five Stage Grief Model. and was developed by Dr Kubler-Ross. It forms the basis for our current understanding of the five stages of grief. This is one way to approach the issue of grieving, however many researchers now question the use of this model for grievers left behind. It was initially developed as a tool in explaining the process a dying person goes through as they face death. It was not designed to apply to the survivors, and therefore loses some of its relativity. The five stages of grief can form a useful framework for explaining many of the esperiences we go through in our grief journey. However, they should not be seen as exclusive, as there are other aspects of the experience, and each person's journey is unique. A Moment of ChoiceWhether or not we subscribe to this model of the five stages of grief, there is a point at which we must make a choice.George Henry Lewis is quoted as saying “The only cure for grief is action.” We cannot remain passive indefinitely, and must choose to move ahead or our grief will consume us. Thus the five stages of grief become a springboard for action, as we consider on this page. Benjamin Disraeli, Prime Minister of Great Britain, and later Earl of Beconsfield, said “Grief is the agony of an instant. The indulgence of grief the blunder of a life. “ Choosing to Let GoTry this simple exercise and see if you don't feel a little better when you are done.Make yourself comfortable and focus inwardly. You can keep your eyes open or closed. Step 1: Focus on an issue that you would like to feel better about, and then let yourself feel whatever you are feeling in this moment. This could be any feeling, including one of the "five stages of grief" or any other emotion or situation you choose. This doesn’t have to be a strong feeling. In fact, you can even think about how you feel about this exercise and what you want to get from it. Just welcome the feeling and allow it to be, as fully or as best you can. This instruction may seem simplistic, but it needs to be. Most of us live in our thoughts, pictures, and stories about the past and the future, rather than being aware of how we actually feel in this moment. The only time that we can actually do anything about the way we feel (and, for that matter, about our businesses or our lives) is NOW. You don’t need to wait for a feeling to be strong before you let it go. In fact, if you are feeling numb, flat, blank, cut off, or empty inside, those are feelings that can be let go of just as easily as the more recognizable ones. Just do the best you can. The more you work with this process, the easier it will be for you to identify what you are feeling. Step 2: Ask yourself one of the following three questions:
These questions are simply asking you if it is possible to take this action. “Yes” or “no” are both acceptable answers. You will often let go even if you say “no.” As best you can, try to answer the question without thinking about it. Stay away from second-guessing yourself or considering the possible results of that action or its virtues. All the questions used here are simple on purpose. The questions themselves are not important. They are used to help you let go, stop holding on. Go on to Step 3 no matter how you answered the first question. Step 3: No matter which question you started with, ask yourself this simple question: Would I? In other words: Am I willing to let go? Again, stay away from debate as best you can. Also remember that you are always doing this process for yourself—for the purpose of gaining your own freedom and clarity. It doesn’t matter whether the feeling is justified, long-standing, or right. If the answer is “no,” or if you are not sure, ask yourself: “Would I rather have this feeling, or would I rather be free?” Even if the answer is still “no,” go on to Step 4. Step 4: Now ask yourself this question: “When?”This is an invitation to just let it go NOW. You may find yourself easily letting go. Remember that letting go is a decision you can make any time you choose. Step 5: Repeat the preceding four steps as often as needed until you feel free of that particular feeling. You will probably find yourself letting go a little more on each step of the process. The results at first may be quite subtle. Very quickly, if you are persistent, the results will get more and more noticeable. You may find that you have layers of feelings about a particular topic. However, what you let go of is gone for good. To join our Circle of Friends and receive Comfort Lines free of charge simply provide your email address, I would love to know your first name, but all I need is your email address to stay in touch. Denial: An Initial Survival Mechanism or a Lifestyle Pattern?What is denial?
Anger: Deflecting our Pain, Keeping Others at a DistanceThe next of Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief is anger. While these 'stages' do not necessarily happen in sequence, we will address them in the order in which she lists them.Anger has many root causes. In my experience, however, it is clear that most anger is a result of a deep hurt. This creates a sense of vulnerability for the individual. Anger acts as a protective mechanism, keeping people at a distance and avoiding the risk of repeat trauma. We build our own prisons, in keeping others out, we lock ourselves in. Therefore the most effective approach to anger management is to uncover the painful cause and resolve it. This is best done in a safe environment, and very effectively with EFT, or Emotional Freedom Techniques, developed by Gary Craig. Read more about this fascinating, fast and easy-to-learn self-healing therapy on our
emotional freedom techniques page.
Bargaining: Negotiating for Reversal of LossAnother of the five stages of grief is bargaining.This, as the other stages, can come and go during the first few weeks after the loss, or as a loss is anticipated. Bargaining is a good example of one of the 'five stages of grief' which is less applicable to those who are left to grieve the loss of a loved one or other significant part of their lives. Bargaining occurs mor often in the pre-death experience for both the dying and their loved ones. Frequently, it takes the form of offering some other form of sacrifice to God, or to whatever power one believes to hold the keys to death and life. Parents will often offer themselves, as is "spare my child, take me instead", even though, logically, they know this is not possible. Bargaining delays the inevitable facing of the loss, and provides time to prepare, and adjust to the change ahead. Depression: Acknowledgement of the Reality of LossThis aspect of the five stages of grief is addressed in detail in our depression information page so it will not be addressed in duplicate here.Perk up with an inspirational quote or two. Acceptance: The Final of the Five Stages of GriefAcceptance is the outcome of a successful journey through the process of grief. Whether your loss is a death of a loved one, a job, your reputation sullied, a relationship, or a disability of some kind, when acceptance is achieved, peace replaces strife and healing can begin.The last in the five stages of grief, as Kubler-Ross describes it, acceptance is the 'end of the beginning' of a new life. We now move into a new appreciation for a life that is forever changed by our loss experience. It will be our choice to use our experience for growth and strength, or as an opportunity to forego our futures, passively drifting through the remainder of our lives. I encourage you to take this journey, however you view the grief process, be it the five stages of grief, or an alternate approach.If you find yourself unable to move ahead after a loss, please contact a mental health professional and get treatment. Often, a brief course of antidepressant medication or another form of therapy will be enough to assist you in moving past your block and getting through your experience successfully.
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